Moral Compass
by magnificantmel6
Summary: When you Moral compass is broken or missing, you become adrift in a sea of loss.


**I don't own anything related to Rookie Blue. I had to get this off my chest, it had to be written. Thank you to Cythy for making sure that it was all up to par. Thank you to Jdee, Ryder, and SVUgirl for the encouragement to post it. You 4 girls are amazing. **

The steaming hot water was pouring down her body. Yesterday had been the toughest day Andy had in quite awhile, she was just emotionally exhausted. At the point where she wanted to just give in to her need to run. It felt like her heart was just continually being ripped from her body, run over, and pieced back together. And every time it came back missing little slivers. Before long there wouldn't be enough pieces to put it back together. Her legs felt like they weren't going to hold up all the emotional turmoil running through her body. Her hand reached out to the cool tiles, holding herself up.

Finally letting go, the tears starting rolling down her cheeks, mingling with the shower water. Her cries got louder, she had no need to hold back anymore since Nick wasn't here. So there was no need to hide her crying. Her body was shaking with the force of her cries.

She had finally lost Sam today. She had been carrying around the smallest of hopes that they would eventually get back together. That Sam wasn't as serious about Marlo. She had tried to go on with her life, started something with Nick, knowing she would never love him. Her heart loved Sam, would only love Sam. There was no room for Nick in it, and she didn't think there would be.

But today, she had heard Marlo say she loved Sam, was in love with him. Her heart had stopped. And Andy wasn't sure it would ever start again. She loved her one true love, and by all accounts it appeared he loved her too. Watching him with Marlo in the evidence room, the caring look on his face, the pure worry. She only saw that look when he looked at people he loved, hell he use to look at her like that, but not anymore. She sobbed for what she lost, what she let go. Regretting every minute of every day, leaving for the UC gig.

He went out of his way to protect Marlo, asked her to do something she would never do for anyone that she didn't love. And she still loved Sam, tried not to. She knew when the odds were against her, she saw it every day the way Sam was with Marlo. It spoke more than words, he did things with her that he never did with Andy. He was happy, and Andy just wanted him to be happy. If being with someone else was what made him happy. She wasn't going to try to get in between them.

When she called Sam panicking about Marlo, she called him first because she wanted to see what he wanted to do. The moment the neighbor mentioned the cop that fit Marlo's description Andy's heart had stopped. She had promised Marlo she wouldn't tell anyone. She had such regrets about that now, she should have told Frank. She fought with herself for weeks about the decision. But she didn't know what to do, so calling Sam seemed like the right thing. He would know what to do, he always knew what to do in situations. She didn't go to Frank either time, in fear of Sam hating her for it. She needed his friendship. If she couldn't have his love anymore, she needed the friendship. She could not survive without Sam in her life.

Picking up that phone to call Sam, she never thought the day would end the way it did. She crossed lines she didn't think she would ever do. She was broken beyond repair, they were broken. And it led her to this moment in the shower losing herself. She had lied to Sam in the parking lot, she had done this mostly for Sam, even if she said otherwise. She would probably do it again, if he asked. Thats what scared her, she was just as in love with him as she was a year ago. So she snapped, she couldn't keep doing this, she couldn't keep repairing her heart. She was hurt that he had moved on so easily, found someone else to love, and she bit back, saying things she didn't mean. She just wanted him to feel something for her, even if it was anger.

Sam had moved on, he was in love. Even if it wasn't as easy as he originally thought, Andy knew that he would help Marlo. Thats what Sam did, helped the ones he loved.

Andy decided to go to the penny to have a drink, she wanted to drown her sorrows. She felt like one big disappointment. She had disappointed Oliver, couldn't even defend herself she deserved everything he threw at her. She somehow disappointed Nick in the locker room as well, lying to him, making him go home leaving her there in a mood. She just kept disappointing everyone, and choosing the wrong choices.

Walking into the Penny, she saw Nick there, outraged that he lied. She was going to walk over to him give him a piece of her mind. But with everything that happened in the parking lot, she was spent, she needed someone to just listen to her. So she went to him, she talked, and he listened. She saw the look in his eyes hearing what happened. She couldn't read that look. But he acted like he cared, he comforted her. Brought her back to her place, and she let him show her that he cared. The whole time her heart breaking more. This morning waking up to him leaving for work, she felt nothing. She couldn't lie to herself, she could care less.

She had lost track of how long she had been standing in here. Long enough to get wrinkled but not long enough to wash away all her feelings. Sam had moved on. And she got proof of that over and over, she just needed to accept it. The fact was she was broken, and had no clue how to repair herself. She was lost. Adrift in a sea of loss, without her moral compass.

He stood in his shower letting the water run down his body. It was a long night, he barely slept. His mind on constant replay, the events with Marlo, finding out Andy knew more about Marlo than he did, the asking Andy to cover for her, and mostly the events in the parking lot with Andy. How had everything become so muddled and unrecognizable in less than a year?

He had been working with Tracy for days, barely sleeping. After the talk with Oliver in the cabin he was emotionally raw. He missed Andy so much it was starting to hurt more. When they got back he had all intentions of breaking it off with Marlo. He wanted to do it face to face but either she was busy, or he was working days and nights straight. But he had checked out emotionally a long time ago. So when Oliver asked about Marlo's whereabouts, he really had no clue. The look Oliver shot him, was of pure disappointment. He called her, left a message, went back to work.

Then he got the call from McNally telling him to come to the station about Marlo. He was confused why would she be calling about Marlo? Getting there and seeing her frantic in the evidence room, threw him for a loop. His mind stopped when the words "She's bipolar" spilled from Andy's mouth. He was in utter shock. How did she know this? Matter of fact how did he not know, he had been with her for months. Then his guilt for not catching this took over, and he had to help Marlo. He wanted to help her, making up for not being able to help Sarah, Jerry and even Andy.

When he found out that Marlo had been in the house and her fingerprints were probably on the computer. He went into action mode. He needed to help Marlo keep her job, because he knew that it made her. And maybe on a deeper level he knew that he should have been honest with her about everything already, broken it off. Now he had to wait for her to get better. If she still had her job, at least that would help with the breakup eventually when it happened. In her state of mind, losing her job might push her further over the edge. So now he had to wait it out.

Asking Andy to change Marlo's notebook was the hardest thing he did that day, well maybe the second hardest. Hearing her voice wavering, telling him to not ask her to do it. He knew Marlo didn't do it. He had to believe she did not do it. Then he pulled out the line, he came from somewhere deep within him. "If you won't do it for her, do it for me." making his heart scream. He needed to fix this, he had to. The words felt heavy and loaded slipping from his lips.

He waited for her after shift, wanted to talk to her. Make her see that she wasn't a bad cop for doing what she did. Make her see that what she did was a good thing. When he spotted her coming out of the division, he noticed the classic overthinking McNally with a little something else mixed in. Maybe self doubt, maybe self hate. She came at him with words that cut deeper than others that had come before "Be straightforward, Hardworking, and Open." And then "I didn't do it for you." sounded more like a final goodbye.

He made his way to Marlo's to check on her. When she asked "Are you in trouble?" His mind screamed for him, to say "Yes, I just lost the woman I love, I have been living a lie with you for months." But "Nope" slipped out instead. But he was in trouble, he was in real trouble of losing Andy for good.

He had been in the shower so long this morning, trying to wash away all of the guilt, and the pain of heartbreak all over again. He knew he had to get out and ready for the day. He had to go help Marlo, even if he should be helping himself for once. The fact was he was broken, and had no clue how to repair himself. He was lost. Adrift in a sea of loss, without his moral compass.


End file.
